The Clueless Stay-at-Home Dad's Guide to Home Repair

Owning a home can be exciting. Nothing short of the realm of extreme sports can match the thrill of walking into your bathroom and finding water all over the floor.

I’ve known about this problem for a few weeks now. I have a dangerous amount of home repair knowledge. I know enough to locate the source of the leak; in this case our toilet reservoir is overflowing. I don’t know enough to fix the leak, which can be problematic. I also don’t know enough about how much trouble I can get into if I try to fix it myself and fail.

After pulling the top off the reservoir and staring at it intently for several minutes, I determined that the float mechanism thingy wasn’t properly cutting the water flow, causing water to continuously leak into the reservoir until it started dripping out the flush handle. I reached deep into my plumbing knowledge, and devised a foolproof solution to the problem: I turned the water off to the toilet, turning it back on only when flushing. Repair complete.

This solution worked for a few weeks until the shutoff valve, intended to be turned maybe a dozen times in its life, gave out under constant turning and started leaking as well. The sensible thing for a clueless homeowner to do at this point would be to call a plumber and admit defeat. I, on the other hand, picked up a new float mechanism thingy and attempted the repair myself. The thingy included instructions, so it couldn’t be that hard to install. Plus it cost $7 for me to do it myself, as opposed to maybe $100 to call someone who knows what he’s doing.

I gazed at the instructions, hoping to find a zipper or ejector button or some kind of attachment method that looks remotely recognizable. The instructions say everything screws together like a cap on a bottle; I can handle that. I gathered my tools, turned off water to the house, and tore apart the old thingy.

Luckily, the new thingy was nearly identical to the old thingy. I could use all of the existing connectors. It was merely a matter of unscrewing the old thingy and screwing in the new thingy; I could handle that.

With everything screwed in and lightly wrench tightened while hopefully still adhering to the “do not over tighten” warnings, I turned the water back on. After staring at it for several minutes to ensure the thingy was working properly and nothing was leaking, I went back to the family room. Mommy had been watching the kids while I cussed at the toilet. I gave mommy the good news that all plumbing was working, and she gave me the bad news that a wasp had snuck in the house and was buzzing about the family room.

Wasp catching could be its own extreme sport, one that I know little about.