Picking up the Split
Ian was born at 4:53am. I could see the nurses working on him out of the corner of my eye, but I stayed firmly on Ellie’s side of the curtain because I knew she needed my support. Plus it looked really yucky on the other side of the curtain. Three minutes later, Tory was born. Shortly after that, I followed the staff as they wheeled Ian into the NICU. I stood next to him in awe of this tiny baby as doctors and nurses explained things to me that I had no chance of understanding. In between marveling in wonder and nodding in ignorance, I took the time to worry about Ellie in the operating room and Tory fighting for life like his brother.
A minute later, the staff wheeled in Tory. I immediately moved to his side, standing in awe of his slightly less tiny stature. Quickly I wondered, “Should I move back to Ian now? How long was I by his side? How long have I been by Tory? Shouldn’t I be splitting my time more evenly?”
And so began my lifetime of attempting to treat both twins exactly the same. When I check on them, I rotate the first checked child. First thing in the morning, I might check Ian’s vitals first. On the next trip, I’ll check Tory’s vitals first. By the next day I’ve usually forgotten whom I checked last, so I flip a coin to ensure that everything is absolutely fair. Ian is heads and Tory is tails. At least that’s the order on odd-numbered days; even numbered days mean Tory gets to be heads and Ian is tails.
I only check on them twice a day now instead of the half dozen daily checks I made while Ellie was in the hospital. This makes it easier to remember who gets to enjoy my presence at any given time, but it also puts me at the whim of their treatment regimen. I might spend the first visit holding Ian after the morning coin flip landed heads. I’ll plan to spend that night holding Tory only to find he’s surprisingly back under the bile lights,* or the staff is running more vital tests on him, or they’re jabbing yet another line into him. The result is I can either stand over Tory giving him verbal encouragement, or I can give Ian a double-dose of holding, assuming that Ian isn’t also under the lights, being tested, or getting poked as well. I split my time on the last visit, talking to Tory and setting my hand on his legs while he sunbathed, and then held Ian for the remainder of the visit. I originally thought that having twins would be a great way to ensure that Ellie and I never fight over who gets to hold the baby, but the light/test/prod routine usually means one baby is always indisposed.
I suppose it really doesn’t matter who we spend more time with now as long as both babies spend plenty of time in our company. I’ll just hold them as much as possible and not worry who see me more. I’m also not going to tell them that I spent more time with Ian in those first NICU minutes.
* By the way, Tory is surprisingly back under the bile lights, but hopefully not for very long.
A minute later, the staff wheeled in Tory. I immediately moved to his side, standing in awe of his slightly less tiny stature. Quickly I wondered, “Should I move back to Ian now? How long was I by his side? How long have I been by Tory? Shouldn’t I be splitting my time more evenly?”
And so began my lifetime of attempting to treat both twins exactly the same. When I check on them, I rotate the first checked child. First thing in the morning, I might check Ian’s vitals first. On the next trip, I’ll check Tory’s vitals first. By the next day I’ve usually forgotten whom I checked last, so I flip a coin to ensure that everything is absolutely fair. Ian is heads and Tory is tails. At least that’s the order on odd-numbered days; even numbered days mean Tory gets to be heads and Ian is tails.
I only check on them twice a day now instead of the half dozen daily checks I made while Ellie was in the hospital. This makes it easier to remember who gets to enjoy my presence at any given time, but it also puts me at the whim of their treatment regimen. I might spend the first visit holding Ian after the morning coin flip landed heads. I’ll plan to spend that night holding Tory only to find he’s surprisingly back under the bile lights,* or the staff is running more vital tests on him, or they’re jabbing yet another line into him. The result is I can either stand over Tory giving him verbal encouragement, or I can give Ian a double-dose of holding, assuming that Ian isn’t also under the lights, being tested, or getting poked as well. I split my time on the last visit, talking to Tory and setting my hand on his legs while he sunbathed, and then held Ian for the remainder of the visit. I originally thought that having twins would be a great way to ensure that Ellie and I never fight over who gets to hold the baby, but the light/test/prod routine usually means one baby is always indisposed.
I suppose it really doesn’t matter who we spend more time with now as long as both babies spend plenty of time in our company. I’ll just hold them as much as possible and not worry who see me more. I’m also not going to tell them that I spent more time with Ian in those first NICU minutes.
* By the way, Tory is surprisingly back under the bile lights, but hopefully not for very long.
posted by Matt at
10:10 PM
5 Comments:
You are a super caring Dad! Just always embrase & treasure each precious moment that you have with each of these tiny miracles.
By
CINDY, at 7:13 AM
It all works out. This part gets much easier, I promise.
By
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah, at 1:09 PM
I know I am by no means a "veteran" mom, with mine being only 6 months, but I remember this routine and the worrying about being "fair". My husband and I went for almost every visit (twice a day for TWO months) together. While both were in the hospital, we would just switch who got which baby each time. When just Brayden was left there, one of us would go for the morning visit while one stayed home and for the evening visit we both went while my mother watched Baylee. I know we had it a little easier because we didn't have an older child at home. Now, we switch who has each baby at night to try to ensure that we don't get stuck in the rut of "he's mine, she's yours". If I take one of them with me to Wal-Mart, the next time it's the other. Even with all that careful orchestration, Brayden prefers his daddy and Baylee prefers me. Just do the best you can and know that no matter if you are the most fair parent ever to exist, they'll each still claim favortism at some point:)
By
Amy, at 4:56 PM
I may have touched a nerve here with other parents of multiples. I didn't even mention giving Abbie enough attention. Right now I'm just making sure I see everyone every day and letting everyone get whatever attention they get. Once everyone is home, all three of them are going to be sick of seeing me. It's really hard not being able to take Abbie with us to the NICU though. If it weren't for Abbie, I think we'd spend all day in the NICU. I'm not sure how much the nurses would like that though, especially if Ellie keeps trying to teach the nurses...
By
Matt, at 10:13 PM
You're going to make me defend myself? The nurses were having trouble interpreting blood gases, I offered to help while waiting to hold Tory. I see nothing wrong with that. Once they realized I'm as close to a real doctor as you get without getting paid like one, they didn't mind the lesson.
By
Anonymous, at 9:34 PM
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