Things I Never Learned in Driver's Ed

Driving Duties for the Solitary Driver
1. Control the vehicle’s speed and direction.
2. Operate the radio.

Additional Duties for Driving with Three Kids in the Backseat and No Adult Help
1. Distribute toys.
2. Run the DVD player.
3. Operate the radio, and not just the simple controls like “volume” and “tuning,” but the advanced controls that you have to push three buttons to access like “fade” and “balance” because one child wants the volume turned up while the other wants to concentrate on the DVD player.
4. Frequently adjust the air conditioning, including the vent direction.
5. Disperse snacks.
6. Referee fights.
7. Ensure everyone remains fully buckled in.
8. Coyly drink a soda pop so no one in the backseat realizes you have it.
9. Rearrange blankets for naptime.
10. Abruptly correct speed and direction when you realize you’re driving 20 miles over the speed limit or drifting halfway into the next lane.
11. Turn the radio up very loud and ignore all other noises when nothing else quiets the backseat screaming.