How I Do It

One of the most common questions I hear, besides “what’s that smell?” is “how do you do it?” A lot of people believe that I must be some sort of minor, Atom Man-esque superhero to be able to care for twin baby sons and a 2-year-old daughter mostly by myself. Anyone who’s ever been a parent knows how hard a baby is to care for, and how hard a toddler can be. They then multiply the baby by two and add in the toddler, and wind up asking how I do it, or in mathematical terms, 2B+T=HTFDYDI.

I need to find a smart-aleck answer to this comment, something like “alcohol, and lots of it,” but something that won’t land me in trouble with protective services in case someone takes me seriously. The truth is actually boring; the boys are pretty easy babies. I won’t deny that Abbie is challenging; I’ve known this ever since I discovered that the only way to calm her down in the hospital right after birth was to leave her in the warming table. She has her easy qualities (it took her a year, but she’s learned to entertain herself well, she’s a great eater, and her sleeping habits could be a lot worse), but I spent most of her waking time of the first year carrying her to keep her calm, and I still spend much of my days hearing her scream.

The boys are almost the exact opposite in demeanor, and good thing too because I don’t think any of us could survive me trying to carry both of them all day every day. I wake them, feed them, and place them in their gym. If I have the time, I’ll sit and play with them; if I need to do something else like fold laundry or read to the firstborn, no problem, they’ll usually just busy themselves until I return, and their immobility ensures that they’ll remain in place no matter how long I ignore them. Abbie never would have tolerated that level of attention when she was their age; she would have screamed as soon as I broke contact with her, and I have the like-new bouncy seat to prove it.

At least the bouncy seat was like new, now it gets used most days along with a cheap second seat I bought at a garage sale. If I need to do something in the kitchen like wash dishes, cook dinner, or eat the last cupcake out of Abbie’s sight, I’ll set up the chairs in the kitchen, strap the boys in where I can see them, and go to work. I don’t even activate the bouncing function either; they just chill out in the chairs and wait for their next bottle.

They don’t cry much, at least not without good reason like waking up hungry or getting an eye gouged by their sister. Abbie cried a lot more than they do when she was their age, maybe more than the two of them combined. I’m pretty sure that even today she cries more than they do, maybe more than the two of them combined.

Their sleep habits could be better, but they could be a lot worse. They’re on the same sleep schedule. They fall asleep with minimal fussing; Abbie never fell asleep without screaming for five minutes or more, sometimes a lot more. They go more than ten hours overnight, waking up once to take a bottle before going right back to sleep. They take three naps every day, and although I’m lucky to get an hour out of them for their first and third nap, the second nap is usually two to two-and-a-half hours long.

That’s how I do it; I have two marvelously well-behaved children, and a third child who makes the first two look well-behaved. Things could be easier now, but if I can bide my time until all three are in school, my parenting job should be easy for the rest of my life. Right?