Angry Dad

We’re trying a different disciplinary tract with Abbie and her pinching. My former approach was to tell her “no pinch” on the first infraction, warn her that she’ll go to her room on a second infraction, and send her to her room on the third infraction.

I initially thought this was a pretty good approach. It immediately and directly addresses the behavior. It gives her multiple chances to stop the behavior, and ultimately makes the punishment her choice. It’s non-physical. It removes her from the situation. Best of all, it really makes her scream so I know she hates it.

After a couple weeks of this approach, I realized that she was spending a lot of time in her room, sometimes as much as half of the morning, afternoon, hour that mommy is home before bedtime, or any other measurement of time. I also realized I was disgusted with her a lot, and recognized that there’s a fine line between feigning anger so she would understand she’s in trouble, and actually being angry.

At this point I decided I didn’t want to be That Dad with children who obey out of fear instead of respect, or admiration, or idolization, or whatever it is that makes kids listen to their father. After a little research I discovered that my entire reasoning for the punishment is wrong for a two-year-old.

It may address the behavior, but that doesn’t mean she understands the connection. The fact that she keeps pinching right after being told not to indicates that she doesn’t realize that pinching is wrong. She’s just too young to understand cause and effect.* As for the multiple chance to stop herself, I could probably give her a million chances to stop herself and she never would. Even assuming that she knows what she’s doing is wrong, she hasn’t developed self-control yet and couldn’t stop herself.**

Sending to her room is non-physical in theory, but she never goes willingly and things get plenty physical by the time I have to drag her. Sure it removes her from the situation, but I tend to forget about her in her room and leave her to stew for too long. That can’t be good for her self-esteem, psyche, or future therapy bills. Most importantly, being drug to her room really ticks her off, which makes her mad, which makes her want to pinch more, which gets her drug to her room more, creating a viscous cycle far worse than any Cubs tailspin.

So I’m toning things down. When she pinches, I tell her not to pinch and to pat my leg or say “daddy” when she wants my attention. This gives her a sense of control by letting her choose the way she grabs my attention, even if she refuses to do anything that involves speaking. Plus it still teaches her that pinching is wrong, though I don’t expect her to actually remember that lesson for a few months. That message is usually enough to stop the pinching, possibly because she just wants my attention when she pinches. If she keeps pinching, I threaten to stop reading since she usually pinches when I’m too slow to respond to a page turn, and I’ve only had to follow through with this threat a few times. Only under extremely egregious violations do I send her to her room anymore.

The result is everybody is happier. She doesn’t pinch as much, and I’m not nearly as disgusted or angry with her. I’m on the path to idolization, or at least I won’t be one of Those Dads.

* Note to Future Abbie if she reads this one day: If you’re old enough to read this, you’re old enough to understand cause and effect, so don’t even try using that excuse.
** Note to Future Abbie: You’re old enough to have self-control so don’t try that excuse either.