"Max! Follow that frog!"

Christmas is fast approaching. At least for Ellie it’s fast approaching. Even though it’s still three months away, that’s what happens when you work nights half the time and your belly is the size of a Geo Metro and fast approaching Geo Tracker size. Plus we plan to be a little busy come Christmas time this year either caring for twin newborns, in the hospital delivering twins, or running around the house wondering how we’ll ever fit two newborns into our already cramped quarters. If we don’t shop for Abbie then she’ll have to settle for whatever toy we grab off the shelf in a potentially drowsy haze.

With that in mind, we spent last night doing some toy shopping for Abbie. This involves taking her to a toy department, letting her run loose, and following her from toy to toy. This is the same technique used by scientists to track migratory patterns in animals except they employ homing devices to track the animals while we only wish we had access to such technology because Abbie in a toy store moves much faster than any migratory animal.

We visited Toys Backwards R Us for our experiment. We chose this store partly because any store with the word “toys” in its name has to have a pretty good selection. Mostly we went because we knew they had a toy we were considering buying her on sale. It’s the Fridge Farm Magnetic Animal Set, and here’s a picture:



Technically this toy isn’t on sale. The specific deal is buy two of this company’s toys, and get a third one free. At first I thought this was a great deal, but then I remembered that LeapFrog makes this toy, and such a purchase would mean bringing three LeapFrog toys into our home.

I don’t like teeing off on specific companies, but I feel the need to do so here to warn any other parents about the dangers of allowing LeapFrog toys in their homes. LeapFrog is easily my least favorite toy manufacturer, well behind second-to-last place Baby Einstein. At least some Baby Einstein toys don’t use batteries, I can’t say that about LeapFrog. I hate LeapFrog because all of their toys use batteries to play very loud, very annoying electronic music. I hate LeapFrog because they use voices from incessantly chipper children who sound like they’re on a perpetual meth high. Mostly I hate LeapFrog because they compensate for marginal entertainment value by cramming in meaningless “educational” features. It’s not enough for a toy to play music, they have to program it to sing a song about phonics and festoon the case with letters. Not that the child has any idea how to independently operate the toy or what the significance of all those sounds is. It all feels about as forced as NBC’s Thursday night line-up.

Especially infuriating to me is their LeapPad toy, which I don’t own, but I feel qualified to comment on because I’ve read the box. This toy operates by plugging special (i.e. expensive) books and activity cards into the base. Once activated, the child can touch special areas on the page, and the toy will say the objects name, play music, or give some other reward. The toy can also ask the child to touch an object on the page, and give a similar reward when she succeeds. Basically it does the exact same thing a parent does (or should do), assuming that the parent runs on batteries, repeatedly says the exact same thing in the exact same way, and costs $29.99 plus the price of additional software. Rarely do I see parents leaving the LeapFrog section without an expression that says, “I guess kids enjoy really annoying toys nowadays.” Even more rarely do I see kids actually playing with toys in the LeapFrog aisle.

That’s enough of that rant. Now go buy some quality LeapFrog toys, like their Fridge Farm Magnetic Animal Set. This appears to be a fairly innocuous toy, push an animal front and back into the base. If it’s a match, the toy will say the animal’s name and do other animal-specific things, like make the animal’s sound. If it’s not a match, it makes up a name. Since it’s a LeapFrog toy, if you push a button it plays a song. That’s it; no seizure-inducing flashing lights, no creepy animal motions, and no phonics to smack her upside the head. As a bonus, it’s all magnetized to attach to the fridge, giving her something else to do in the kitchen besides throw pans all over the floor.

I can live with this toy. Ellie picked it out for her during her limited free time. Now all we have to do is wait for somebody to put it on sale, preferably by itself, and snatch up a copy. We have almost three months to wait.