The Iowa State Fair Rant
We went to the Iowa State Fair last night. The fair would describe itself as fun for the whole family, much better than a trip to the mailbox. The funny thing about the fair is I hate it. I mean really hate it. I mean I’d rather research and write a doctoral thesis on the evolution of Sean Combs’s nickname from Puff Daddy to Diddy than visit the Iowa State Fair, but Ellie has had a rough week and deserves a special treat. If her idea of relaxing from a week of hard work is to wander for miles though throngs of thousands of sweaty Iowans in the hot sun, then that’s what we need to do. As a bonus, Abbie is a member of the family, so that fun for the whole family thing could include her as well.
We arrived at the fair a little before 6pm. It was important that we arrive sometime after 5pm because adult admission for weekday evenings at the fair is half-price, making tickets a total rip-off at $4 instead of the bend you over and extract $8 price normally charged. Abbie was free, as are all children, because the fair likes to encourage parents to bring their young children. That way they can have as many oversized strollers as possible clogging the walkways and preventing people from taking advantage of the “free” entertainment so they can buy more food from the ubiquitous vendors. Add the $5 spent for parking to the $8 admission charge, and we spent $13 before actually doing anything. Whee!
Our first stop was at a corndog stand for a cup of lemonade. Ahead of us in line was a belligerent fellow, possibly fresh from the nearby beer tent, loudly complaining because the stand wouldn’t give him mustard for the corndogs he purchased at another corndog stand. That’s the kind of Midwestern spirit you’ll see proudly displayed again and again at the Iowa State Fair. We paid $3 for our cup of lemonade, which is a bit high considering most restaurants will give you a similarly potent concoction for free if you ask for ice water with lemon.
Ellie wanted supper next. We strolled past countless vendors selling seemingly identical varieties of fried foods: Corndogs, pork fritters, ice cream, Oreos, dough, and every vegetable you can imagine in case you feel like something healthy.* Ellie kept asking what I wanted to eat, a question that only grew more maddening because I didn’t want to eat any of it; everything turned my stomach inside out, and not just because of how much it cost. Along the way we saw a golf cart literally burst into flames. The fire department had to put it out. Thankfully, nobody appeared to be hurt. The burning golf cart was free to watch, which was undoubtedly an oversight on the part of the fair since it was one of the few attractions I would have paid to see.
Ellie finally settled on a barbecue restaurant, partially because they had indoor seating to easily feed Abbie, and possibly partially because she knows I love barbecue and would help her finish her plate. She ordered a beef rib dinner, which came with coleslaw, baked beans, and a roll, and a soda for $10.50. How can they offer such a deal? For starters, they use the World’s Worst Coleslaw, an abomination that made canned coleslaw appealing. Its creamy base was less Hellmann’s and more Elmer’s. Then I believe they saved money by simply making one giant batch of beans at the fair’s start, and have kept them simmering ever since, creating a nondescript beanish goo. The dinner roll may have been okay, but it soaked up too much of the coleslaw and bean juice to give it a fair judgment. I didn’t try any of the four ribs, but Ellie and Abbie both liked them. The drink was at least tasty.
Ellie wanted dessert next, specifically a funnel cake, a mound of fried dough topped with powdered sugar for the uninitiated. The stand she stopped at sold them for $4, or $5 with your choice of fruit topping: Cherry, apple, or chocolate.** Ellie chose the $5 option with cherry, though she should have shelled out a little more for the unmarked “fresh” variety. The one she bought had been sitting under a heat lamp too long enough to lose most of its crispness, reverting back to its original dough structure. I took two bites and decided it wasn’t worth it. Ellie ate about a third of it before she realized the same. Abbie like it though, and would have easily consumed enough to get a jump on blocking her arteries if we hadn’t just thrown it away.
We bought another lemonade ($3) and some nut rolls to take home ($13+), and started heading for the exit. On the way, we stopped to see some animals for Abbie’s entertainment. The Iowa DNR had a collection of lake and river fish in aquariums for anyone who’s ever wanted to see crappie and bullhead in a glassed-off cross-section of their natural habitat. Abbie really liked these big fish, giggling as they floated in place, though she may have simply been pleased to finally escape her stroller.
Finally we visited a petting zoo. They offered pony and camel rides which we declined to experience, mostly because Abbie was too small to ride one, but also partly because they cost $3, and partly because they wanted an extra $5 if you want to take a picture of your kid riding one of them. The actual petting zoo was inside a fence, so I stayed with the cart while Ellie showed Abbie the animals. She really enjoyed this experience, giggling the whole time, even though her idea of “petting” involved touching the animal with her index finger, and then putting that finger in her mouth in an attempt to ingest Escherichia coli O157:H7. I watched from the outside, momentarily considered taking some pictures of the camel and pony riders just to screw with the attraction’s operators, but decided to watch my little girl enjoying the event. It’s the last time I’ll have the opportunity to do so for another year. Hopefully much longer than a year.
* In case you’ve never been, I swear I’m not making up any of these fried foods.
** Only at the Iowa State Fair does chocolate qualify as a fruit, although considering that the real fruit toppings were just warm pie filling, the chocolate was probably every bit as nutritious.
We arrived at the fair a little before 6pm. It was important that we arrive sometime after 5pm because adult admission for weekday evenings at the fair is half-price, making tickets a total rip-off at $4 instead of the bend you over and extract $8 price normally charged. Abbie was free, as are all children, because the fair likes to encourage parents to bring their young children. That way they can have as many oversized strollers as possible clogging the walkways and preventing people from taking advantage of the “free” entertainment so they can buy more food from the ubiquitous vendors. Add the $5 spent for parking to the $8 admission charge, and we spent $13 before actually doing anything. Whee!
Our first stop was at a corndog stand for a cup of lemonade. Ahead of us in line was a belligerent fellow, possibly fresh from the nearby beer tent, loudly complaining because the stand wouldn’t give him mustard for the corndogs he purchased at another corndog stand. That’s the kind of Midwestern spirit you’ll see proudly displayed again and again at the Iowa State Fair. We paid $3 for our cup of lemonade, which is a bit high considering most restaurants will give you a similarly potent concoction for free if you ask for ice water with lemon.
Ellie wanted supper next. We strolled past countless vendors selling seemingly identical varieties of fried foods: Corndogs, pork fritters, ice cream, Oreos, dough, and every vegetable you can imagine in case you feel like something healthy.* Ellie kept asking what I wanted to eat, a question that only grew more maddening because I didn’t want to eat any of it; everything turned my stomach inside out, and not just because of how much it cost. Along the way we saw a golf cart literally burst into flames. The fire department had to put it out. Thankfully, nobody appeared to be hurt. The burning golf cart was free to watch, which was undoubtedly an oversight on the part of the fair since it was one of the few attractions I would have paid to see.
Ellie finally settled on a barbecue restaurant, partially because they had indoor seating to easily feed Abbie, and possibly partially because she knows I love barbecue and would help her finish her plate. She ordered a beef rib dinner, which came with coleslaw, baked beans, and a roll, and a soda for $10.50. How can they offer such a deal? For starters, they use the World’s Worst Coleslaw, an abomination that made canned coleslaw appealing. Its creamy base was less Hellmann’s and more Elmer’s. Then I believe they saved money by simply making one giant batch of beans at the fair’s start, and have kept them simmering ever since, creating a nondescript beanish goo. The dinner roll may have been okay, but it soaked up too much of the coleslaw and bean juice to give it a fair judgment. I didn’t try any of the four ribs, but Ellie and Abbie both liked them. The drink was at least tasty.
Ellie wanted dessert next, specifically a funnel cake, a mound of fried dough topped with powdered sugar for the uninitiated. The stand she stopped at sold them for $4, or $5 with your choice of fruit topping: Cherry, apple, or chocolate.** Ellie chose the $5 option with cherry, though she should have shelled out a little more for the unmarked “fresh” variety. The one she bought had been sitting under a heat lamp too long enough to lose most of its crispness, reverting back to its original dough structure. I took two bites and decided it wasn’t worth it. Ellie ate about a third of it before she realized the same. Abbie like it though, and would have easily consumed enough to get a jump on blocking her arteries if we hadn’t just thrown it away.
We bought another lemonade ($3) and some nut rolls to take home ($13+), and started heading for the exit. On the way, we stopped to see some animals for Abbie’s entertainment. The Iowa DNR had a collection of lake and river fish in aquariums for anyone who’s ever wanted to see crappie and bullhead in a glassed-off cross-section of their natural habitat. Abbie really liked these big fish, giggling as they floated in place, though she may have simply been pleased to finally escape her stroller.
Finally we visited a petting zoo. They offered pony and camel rides which we declined to experience, mostly because Abbie was too small to ride one, but also partly because they cost $3, and partly because they wanted an extra $5 if you want to take a picture of your kid riding one of them. The actual petting zoo was inside a fence, so I stayed with the cart while Ellie showed Abbie the animals. She really enjoyed this experience, giggling the whole time, even though her idea of “petting” involved touching the animal with her index finger, and then putting that finger in her mouth in an attempt to ingest Escherichia coli O157:H7. I watched from the outside, momentarily considered taking some pictures of the camel and pony riders just to screw with the attraction’s operators, but decided to watch my little girl enjoying the event. It’s the last time I’ll have the opportunity to do so for another year. Hopefully much longer than a year.
* In case you’ve never been, I swear I’m not making up any of these fried foods.
** Only at the Iowa State Fair does chocolate qualify as a fruit, although considering that the real fruit toppings were just warm pie filling, the chocolate was probably every bit as nutritious.
posted by Matt at
9:24 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home