Due Date Dilemma

Whenever someone discovers that Ellie is pregnant, one of the first questions we hear is “When are you due?” This question usually comes right between “do you know what you’re having?” and “how hard does it suck to be you?” This question is understandable, people like making conversation and it should be fairly straightforward for most people to answer. Many women have their due date engrained in their minds as the day when they stop dealing with the swollen ankles and aching joints of pregnancy, and start enjoying their newborn child. These women are of course suckers because few newborns arrive on their due-dates, and even fewer newborns are enjoyable.

The due date question is hard for us to answer because the date Ellie is due and the date we’re actually expecting the full manifestation of our horrible blessings are two completely different dates. The median arrival date for multiples is three weeks before the due date.* This is because 37-weeks is when twins discover their wonder powers and transform into an eel and a river, allowing them to escape the womb easier than a single fetus not endowed with wonder powers. Plus all that extra weight softens up the pregnancy gateway that much sooner.

When people ask the due date question, I have to decide what to tell them. If the questioner is someone I know and like, or at least don’t actively dislike, I’ll go into the whole story about twins and they’ll probably come early. When strangers ask and I don’t want to go into detail, though, I run into a problem. I could tell them the truth that the due date is January 15th, but that feels like a lie since we’re not only expecting them in the previous month, we’re expecting them in the previous year. My general answer is “around the new year,” which is more truthful and accurate, but feels vague. I can almost hear the strangers say, “What kind of loser father doesn’t know the exact due date for his twins? That’s the attitude you get from a father who brings his screaming daughter to garage sales and lets her run loose.”

Perhaps I need to change my answer to December 28th. That’s specific, closer to the day we actually expect the twins to arrive, and therefore not a total lie. Plus, if Ellie gets her way that would be the specific day the twins arrive since that’s the first day of her paid holiday vacation. If successfully timed, she will have her entire holiday vacation plus her maternity leave to stay at home, recover from the delivery, and care for the twins. That works out to almost two months of paid leave, or just long enough for the twins to become accustomed to her presence and then be disrupted when she’s no longer home all day.

I could just tell strangers that we’re having twins. Right now I just tell strangers that we’re expecting a boy, which is true even though we’re expecting another boy to come minutes after the first one. Telling people we’re expecting twins just invites more questions, and rifling through used baby clothes is too intense to concentrate on while fielding questions.

“Are they identical?”

“I don’t know and we won’t know until after they’re born.”

“What are their names?”

“We haven’t decided yet.”

“Did you use fertility drugs?”

“No. Not that it’s any of your business.”

“How hard does it suck to be you?”

“Very.”

* Keep in mind I found this information on the internet, and according to the internet George W. Bush is actually a woman, so the information may not be fully accurate. Nevertheless, it sounds true, and I know twins do come early, so I’m going to believe it.