The Cell Phone Rant

I hate cell phones. They turn ordinarily rational people into inconsiderate loudmouths no matter what they’re doing, be it shopping in a store, conversing with a suddenly ignored friend, family member, or colleague, or doing something completely trivial like driving. Mostly I hate them because they’re a giant money-pit, luring you in with a monthly rate higher than a cable bill, and then sucker punching you with extra charges for watching a video when you hit the wrong button, extra daytime minutes when your phone burns through all your minutes after accidentally making a call from your pocket, and download charges because it was finally time to replace that Bo Bice ringtone.

Naturally our family has a cell phone. Actually we have two, one for me and one for Ellie. My cell phone doesn’t really count since it’s one of those pay-as-you-go phones where I pay an exorbitant per-minute rate in exchange for no monthly bill and minutes that never ever expire as long as I buy minutes for it on a monthly basis. I bought it thinking I should have something for emergencies while I’m out of the house with all three kids and no adult accompaniment. Then the twins arrived and I stopped leaving the house. I haven’t even turned it on for months now, so I’m sure it’s expired by now,* hence why it doesn’t really count.

Ellie’s cell phone is an actual phone with an actual monthly bill. She uses it regularly since she actually leaves the house on occasion. Plus we both use it from home as our primary means of dialing long distance, but only on weekends and after 9pm on weekdays.

When Ellie used her phone yesterday, she discovered it had stopped working overnight. This is a regular occurrence in our household. I’d guess that Ellie averages a new cell phone every year because the previous one broke in some way. The last couple phones stopped charging. This one stopped making noise. Not that I’m picking on her; this is probably a common average. She takes reasonably good care of her phone. I’m sure that the phone manufactures realize that most people want to buy a new phone as often as they buy new shoes, so why bother making a sturdy cell phone? Unfortunately, I buy shoes expecting them to last more than a year, and I expect my durable electronics to outlive at least a couple pairs of shoes.

As soon as the mall opened, Ellie drove out to buy a functional phone. In accordance with her provider’s pricing policy, she spent Way Too Much Money on a replacement. Of course, you can’t just buy a new phone and put your credit card away; you have to buy accessories that work with your new phone, like a carrying case, car charger, and Muppet ringtone.**

Ordinarily, we have no idea why the old phone stops working, but this time the store employee could diagnose the cause. This was a refreshing change of pace from the average cell phone store employee who looks down upon anyone beyond college age who wants a cell phone, unless they’re buying it for their school-age children. The employee’s analysis was water damage killed the old phone. Specifically, drool damage did the deed, though I’m sure the employee assumed it had been dropped in the toilet a few times.

Abbie love playing with anything with buttons. “Playing with” for her involves “chewing on,” and by extension “drooling on.” She’s already ruined a couple television remotes with her mouth, and now apparently a cell phone too. We’ve given her the old phone to play with, and are keeping the new phone in places far too high for her to reach. Spending a few dollars on a new universal remote is one thing, spending Way Too Much Money on a new cell phone is another, especially after we just downloaded that Taylor Hicks ringtone.

* When I say, “it’s expired,” I’m referring to both the accumulated minutes and the phone itself since those things seem to have a shelf life of about 91 days before mysteriously ceasing to work.
** In all fairness, she found a free ringtone. I realize that she has to have a cell phone for her job, and I don’t want to sound like I’m attacking her. No matter how this looks.