Dear Abbie

I don’t enjoy a lot of luxuries anymore. Four hours of uninterrupted sleep is a good night, I usually have company in the bathroom, and leaving the house with the kids requires a level of planning usually associated with the invasion of mid-sized countries. Sitting at the table while I eat breakfast and read the newspaper, sometimes as long as several seconds without interruption, is one of my luxuries. I read everything: Section A, Section B, even Section E. I skip Section D though because that’s just worthless.

One of my morning highlights, in spite of her inherent spelling bias, is Dear Abby. I enjoy a certain gawk factor reading about people with really screwed up problems, but I also like reading her advice. I imagine future situations where I could employ it in my own life, like if I’m ever having problems communicating with my non-existent adult siblings, or if I’m ever a teenage girl and really want to get a boy to notice me.

This recent column caught my eye. It’s reader responses to an earlier question from a mother using baby talk with her 3-year-old son. The original question fell into the “gawk” category, as the mother hated it when her mother used baby talk with her, but now she can’t stop using it with her son, and she wanted to know if she was hurting him. Abbie’s, err, Abby’s response was if she hated it at that age, then her son probably hates it, so knock it off because it may be causing some sort of deep-seated psychological damage. I filed her advice away; baby talk is bad, I never did use it, but don’t start using it or one or more of my children might grow into the kind of person who writes to strangers in the newspaper for advice on life.

Her readers took that advice, and turned it into something with relevance to our situation. Many of them related baby talk to speech delays. Since I’m the proud parent of a 21-month-old daughter who still isn’t talking, I’m especially attuned to figuring out the reasons for her delay so I can get her talking. Plus I don’t want to screw up with my newborn twins.

After spending hours on research, I can say that some of the readers’ advice is good. Specifically, use proper grammar around kids; no matter how often Cookie Monster models it, saying “me love you” around them just enforces bad habits. Other bits of advice impressed me less. I’m glad that Jeanne’s daughter knew her ABC’s at 18-months, and now talks at a level almost twice her age, but luck has just as much, if not more, to do with a child’s development than anything caregivers can do. I believe that children will speak when they’re good and ready, and that belief is the only thing that keeps me talking to Abbie some days, so don’t burst it.

What really bugged me about the column is the consensus is baby talk is always bad. I suppose that depends on the definition of “baby talk.” Speaking in falsetto could be baby talk, but it’s also the best way to grab an infant’s attention; speak to a baby in a normal voice and he might never notice it. Using one and two word sentences could be baby talk, but it’s important to speak to a child at a level he’ll understand; speak in complex sentences, and he could forget the predicate before you finish the participle. Plus you need to model the next speech stage; if he’s pre-verbal, use one-word sentences. If he’s on one-word sentences, use two-word sentences. If he’s mastered two-word sentences, it may be time to introduce curse words.

I’m climbing off my soapbox now. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll find something that bothers me in “Marmaduke.”