...If You Don't, I Don't Care, I'll Pull Down Your Underwear
We have a glut of Halloween candy in the house. I filled the candy dish in the living room, but we still have a grocery bag full of the stuff. The stores aren’t helping us either with their deep discounts on remaining candy. At 75%-off, it’s almost more expensive to not buy more candy. The antioxidants in the chocolate will pay for themselves in increased heart health now and decreased medical bills years from now.
Nevertheless, we have too much candy in the house for just Ellie and I to eat, especially since she won’t eat the chocolate (nobody’s perfect). To reduce our stockpile, we’re now giving Abbie plenty of candy, experimenting to discover exactly what kinds of candy a 17-month-old can and can’t eat. This is a stunning display of generosity and effective parenting on our part.
We know that you can’t just give anything to a 17-month-old and expect her to eat it. You have to watch out for choking hazards like nuts or alarmingly resilient nougats. I think the first candy we gave her was a sucker a few months ago. I use the term “we” loosely because it was offered by a store clerk who also strongly encouraged its consumption. Everyone loves giving children candy because they look so doggone cute shoving the whole thing in their mouth. Strangers especially love giving children candy because they don’t have to clean up the mess when they (the children) drool sticky candy particles down their shirts, onto their hands, and all over mommy and daddy’s clothes and furniture. Abbie enjoyed her sucker, but not the hosing down she received afterwards.
Armed with the knowledge that she likes suckers, Ellie gave her one to placate her while Trick or Treating. She took her Trick or Treating a little after 5:30 because that’s when all the other neighborhood children were out even though the universally accepted start time for Trick or Treat isn’t until 6:00. This meant that the children’s actions could be legally defined at the time as “panhandling.” It also meant that Abbie had to go Trick or Treating during her regularly scheduled suppertime, making her irritable as she missed her green beany goodness. Ellie reached into her treat bag and pulled out the first sucker she found, a Tootsie Pop. Tootsie Pops are large suckers, too big for Abbie to wrap her mouth around. Without her lips closed, sticky drool flowed freely from her mouth, down the stick, and onto the front of her costume. Abbie insisted on chewing on it despite the Tootsie people’s advertising efforts to encourage people to lick them instead. This meant the sucker spent little time in her mouth, saving the costume a few layers of fructose, but she still effectively gooified it for her brother.
Once we realized we had too much candy to eat ourselves, we started sharing with Abbie. First we tried Nerds, which are like suckers in that they’re hard sugar, but they’re also tiny enough for Abbie to wrap her mouth around without being a choking hazard. Abbie loved them, but don’t forget that she also loves squash and dog food. I loved them too because they’re small enough for her to eat without making a mess.
Emboldened by our success at finding clean candy for her to eat and realizing that practically everything else in our hoard was chocolate, we progressed to potentially messier foods. First Ellie gave her a Kit Kat stick. This was a “fun size” stick about half the size of a normal “really fun size” stick, which should be the perfect size for her to take a bite of and feel it melt in her mouth as she gums it to a pulp. Abbie took the stick from her mother and did what any young child would do when presented with a piece of candy; she offered it to the nearby dog. Ellie’s quick intervention saved the stick, and Abbie realized that she could eat it as well. She put it in her mouth and determined that it was too long to fit the whole thing at once. A normal human when faced with a similar situation might simply bite off an appropriately sized piece, chew, swallow, and continue in this manner until the food is consumed, but Abbie is not one of those normal, easily discouraged humans. She jammed the stick in as far as it would go, bit it in half, and jammed in the remaining half regardless of whether or not she had room in her mouth for both. The result was chocolately saliva flowed from her mouth coating her face and front.
We now have a rule when giving Abbie candy: Always make sure she wears a bib. We also have another rule: Break it in half if possible. I’ve had good luck with this rule giving her Hershey’s bars. I take one of the scored pieces, snap it in half, and give her a perfectly sized piece while holding the other piece for her until her mouth is clear. When that piece starts to melt in my hand, I transfer it to my other hand. When it starts to melt in that hand, I place it on my knee, which is usually within her grasp. At that point she shoves it in her mouth, but at least she has a head start on the previous piece.
Nevertheless, we have too much candy in the house for just Ellie and I to eat, especially since she won’t eat the chocolate (nobody’s perfect). To reduce our stockpile, we’re now giving Abbie plenty of candy, experimenting to discover exactly what kinds of candy a 17-month-old can and can’t eat. This is a stunning display of generosity and effective parenting on our part.
We know that you can’t just give anything to a 17-month-old and expect her to eat it. You have to watch out for choking hazards like nuts or alarmingly resilient nougats. I think the first candy we gave her was a sucker a few months ago. I use the term “we” loosely because it was offered by a store clerk who also strongly encouraged its consumption. Everyone loves giving children candy because they look so doggone cute shoving the whole thing in their mouth. Strangers especially love giving children candy because they don’t have to clean up the mess when they (the children) drool sticky candy particles down their shirts, onto their hands, and all over mommy and daddy’s clothes and furniture. Abbie enjoyed her sucker, but not the hosing down she received afterwards.
Armed with the knowledge that she likes suckers, Ellie gave her one to placate her while Trick or Treating. She took her Trick or Treating a little after 5:30 because that’s when all the other neighborhood children were out even though the universally accepted start time for Trick or Treat isn’t until 6:00. This meant that the children’s actions could be legally defined at the time as “panhandling.” It also meant that Abbie had to go Trick or Treating during her regularly scheduled suppertime, making her irritable as she missed her green beany goodness. Ellie reached into her treat bag and pulled out the first sucker she found, a Tootsie Pop. Tootsie Pops are large suckers, too big for Abbie to wrap her mouth around. Without her lips closed, sticky drool flowed freely from her mouth, down the stick, and onto the front of her costume. Abbie insisted on chewing on it despite the Tootsie people’s advertising efforts to encourage people to lick them instead. This meant the sucker spent little time in her mouth, saving the costume a few layers of fructose, but she still effectively gooified it for her brother.
Once we realized we had too much candy to eat ourselves, we started sharing with Abbie. First we tried Nerds, which are like suckers in that they’re hard sugar, but they’re also tiny enough for Abbie to wrap her mouth around without being a choking hazard. Abbie loved them, but don’t forget that she also loves squash and dog food. I loved them too because they’re small enough for her to eat without making a mess.
Emboldened by our success at finding clean candy for her to eat and realizing that practically everything else in our hoard was chocolate, we progressed to potentially messier foods. First Ellie gave her a Kit Kat stick. This was a “fun size” stick about half the size of a normal “really fun size” stick, which should be the perfect size for her to take a bite of and feel it melt in her mouth as she gums it to a pulp. Abbie took the stick from her mother and did what any young child would do when presented with a piece of candy; she offered it to the nearby dog. Ellie’s quick intervention saved the stick, and Abbie realized that she could eat it as well. She put it in her mouth and determined that it was too long to fit the whole thing at once. A normal human when faced with a similar situation might simply bite off an appropriately sized piece, chew, swallow, and continue in this manner until the food is consumed, but Abbie is not one of those normal, easily discouraged humans. She jammed the stick in as far as it would go, bit it in half, and jammed in the remaining half regardless of whether or not she had room in her mouth for both. The result was chocolately saliva flowed from her mouth coating her face and front.
We now have a rule when giving Abbie candy: Always make sure she wears a bib. We also have another rule: Break it in half if possible. I’ve had good luck with this rule giving her Hershey’s bars. I take one of the scored pieces, snap it in half, and give her a perfectly sized piece while holding the other piece for her until her mouth is clear. When that piece starts to melt in my hand, I transfer it to my other hand. When it starts to melt in that hand, I place it on my knee, which is usually within her grasp. At that point she shoves it in her mouth, but at least she has a head start on the previous piece.
posted by Matt at
9:56 PM
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