"Two pizzas for the price of one at Doughy's!" "Doughy's has terrible pizza." "Yeah, but there's two!"
I love coupons. I used to believe they’re just for little old ladies who want to save a nickel on blue hair coloring, but it turns out many coupons are actually good for decent amounts off of products that I use. For example, right now I’ve got a coupon good for $1.00 off a bottle of barbecue sauce, barbecue sauce being one of my four major food groups along with ketchup, sugar, and frozen custard. $1.00 off might not sound like a great deal, but when that bottle of barbecue sauce regularly costs $1.49, you can see that I can walk out of a grocery store holding a bottle of a major food group purchased for only $0.49. That’s like half price! Despite the remarkable nature of this deal, I’m still holding my coupon in the hopes that this barbecue sauce will go on sale so I can possibly one day save two-thirds off the list price. Presumably there could come a day where the price will dip below $1.00 and they’ll actually pay me to take the barbecue sauce off their hands. Suckers.
I discovered the beauty of coupons right about the time Abbie was born. When corporations sense a new baby in a family, they deluge that family with coupons and special offers, many of them quite valuable. These corporations get their information on the new baby from several sources, such as the OB/Gyn office, the hospital, and the corporate spy camera installed into every American home by government “census takers” once every ten years. Corporations make these offers out of an altruistic desire to help a family strapped for cash at the arrival of a new baby save some money on products they desperately need, like diapers, formula, and Dr. Seuss books. Plus they know families with babies are young families with a lifetime of buying decisions ahead of them, and if they build brand loyalty now they can fleece these people as they purchase their overpriced products for potentially decades. Suckers.
Here’s how my latest coupon-aided diaper-buying excursion worked. I had several coupons that were about to expire so I needed to use them fast or risk the shame of essentially throwing money away. First I went to the baby megastore, where you can buy everything baby-related short of an actual baby, although I have to admit I’ve never checked the far northwest corner of the store. There I used a 15%-off store coupon I clipped from a magazine and a $1.50-off manufacturer’s coupon from a mailbox flyer to buy a 112-pack of overnight diapers for $28.49, or 25.4 cents per diaper. Then I went to a big box store to buy a 92-pack of regular diapers with a $1.00-off manufacturer’s coupon from a newspaper flyer for 19.99, or 21.7 cents per diaper. Are you still with me? Good, because here’s my coup-de-grace.* I went to a grocery store to buy an ironically named jumbo pack of 34 regular diapers on sale for $8.98 with a $1.00-off manufacturer’s coupon from a newspaper flyer combined with a $3.00-off store coupon for a final price of $4.98. That’s 14.6 cents per diaper for the exact same thing I just bought for 21.7 cents per diaper. Suckers.
I look for coupons everywhere. At first I would only check the glossy ads in the Sunday newspapers that are reliably delivered by underpaid paperboys. Then I noticed that little coupons are hidden in the newspaper the rest of the week, like all sorts of restaurant coupons in Thursday’s entertainment section. Next I realized that companies send coupons through the mail all the time, mostly in glossy ads that could be packaged in the newspaper but Chuck in the advertiser’s circulation department had a bad breakup with Wanda in the newspaper’s advertising department so they send their ads through the mail just to spite her “needs more space” keester. I think the only remaining step is to go onto eBay to buy 20 copies of the same newspaper ad, but I’m not that desperate. I’m not sure if the people buying those realize they have to buy 20 identical bottles of barbecue sauce at once to make the purchase worthwhile. Suckers.
* That literally translates to “best deal.”
I discovered the beauty of coupons right about the time Abbie was born. When corporations sense a new baby in a family, they deluge that family with coupons and special offers, many of them quite valuable. These corporations get their information on the new baby from several sources, such as the OB/Gyn office, the hospital, and the corporate spy camera installed into every American home by government “census takers” once every ten years. Corporations make these offers out of an altruistic desire to help a family strapped for cash at the arrival of a new baby save some money on products they desperately need, like diapers, formula, and Dr. Seuss books. Plus they know families with babies are young families with a lifetime of buying decisions ahead of them, and if they build brand loyalty now they can fleece these people as they purchase their overpriced products for potentially decades. Suckers.
Here’s how my latest coupon-aided diaper-buying excursion worked. I had several coupons that were about to expire so I needed to use them fast or risk the shame of essentially throwing money away. First I went to the baby megastore, where you can buy everything baby-related short of an actual baby, although I have to admit I’ve never checked the far northwest corner of the store. There I used a 15%-off store coupon I clipped from a magazine and a $1.50-off manufacturer’s coupon from a mailbox flyer to buy a 112-pack of overnight diapers for $28.49, or 25.4 cents per diaper. Then I went to a big box store to buy a 92-pack of regular diapers with a $1.00-off manufacturer’s coupon from a newspaper flyer for 19.99, or 21.7 cents per diaper. Are you still with me? Good, because here’s my coup-de-grace.* I went to a grocery store to buy an ironically named jumbo pack of 34 regular diapers on sale for $8.98 with a $1.00-off manufacturer’s coupon from a newspaper flyer combined with a $3.00-off store coupon for a final price of $4.98. That’s 14.6 cents per diaper for the exact same thing I just bought for 21.7 cents per diaper. Suckers.
I look for coupons everywhere. At first I would only check the glossy ads in the Sunday newspapers that are reliably delivered by underpaid paperboys. Then I noticed that little coupons are hidden in the newspaper the rest of the week, like all sorts of restaurant coupons in Thursday’s entertainment section. Next I realized that companies send coupons through the mail all the time, mostly in glossy ads that could be packaged in the newspaper but Chuck in the advertiser’s circulation department had a bad breakup with Wanda in the newspaper’s advertising department so they send their ads through the mail just to spite her “needs more space” keester. I think the only remaining step is to go onto eBay to buy 20 copies of the same newspaper ad, but I’m not that desperate. I’m not sure if the people buying those realize they have to buy 20 identical bottles of barbecue sauce at once to make the purchase worthwhile. Suckers.
* That literally translates to “best deal.”
posted by Matt at
9:33 PM
2 Comments:
You know, as a relatively underpaid paperboy, I have access to many many extra copies of city independent coupons. Your telling me I could be selling them on EBay? Actually if you come across a particularly good deal I can get some and send to you.
By
Anonymous, at 9:51 PM
Just search for "coupon" on eBay. You'll find tons of coupons being auctioned, some going for as much as hundreds of pennies. Don't expect to get rich selling coupons. I'll let you know if I find something in the local paper I can't live without.
By
Matt, at 9:24 PM
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