Battling Seizure Balls

My father found quite possibly the world’s greatest toy for Abbie. It’s a little rubber ball that fulfills all the criteria necessary to be a great toy. First, it’s simple. Second, it’s cheap. Third, it can be immersed in water. Fourth, and maybe most importantly, it doesn’t make much noise.

You may be wondering, what makes this rubber ball so special? Its spectacularly attractive color scheme? The toddler equivalent of catnip infused within? Magic elves living inside whom grant wishes for her and clean up the place for me? Actually, the thing simply has a couple of lights embedded inside of it. Throw the ball, and the lights flash in a rapid succession that’s optimal for attracting young children and triggering epileptic seizures in rare cases. I now call it the epilepsy ball. As a bonus, its shell is a patchwork of semi-transparent bright colors creating an uneven surface that, when dropped, can send the ball careening randomly, kind of like Carlos Zambrano’s fastball.

My father found this ball on a recent camping trip. One night, while everyone sat around the campfire, one guy began throwing his epilepsy ball. Its flashing lights instantly captivated every single camper, possibly because they were all camping in the middle of nowhere and desperate for any sort of artificial visual stimulus. My father, seeing the epilepsy ball’s effect on a group of middle-aged campers in various stages of inebriation, realized its entertainment potential for a 12-month-old and decided he must have one. The epilepsy ball’s owner revealed that he found it at a convenience store a few miles down the road for only $1.99. Less than 24 hours later, the convenience store’s stock was depleted, and flashing lights in primary colored hues illuminated the entire campground like a G.I. Joe battlefield.

Upon returning from his camping trip, my dad gave his epilepsy ball to Abbie, and we stood back to watch the fun. I wasn’t exactly sure what Abbie would do with it. Perhaps she would just chew on it, or maybe she would examine it for a second before dropping it to resume her previous activity, chasing my parent’s poor cat that didn’t quite know enough to hide someplace where Abbie couldn’t get her. To everyone’s delight, especially the cat’s, Abbie took the ball, threw it, watched with much pleasure as it flashed, and chased after to retrieve it, giggling the entire time. She repeated this for about an hour until her naptime arrived. I then went with my dad to the baseball game, leaving grandma to watch her, so I don’t know what happened the rest of the night, but I’m pretty sure it involved lots of throwing and chasing. The next morning, I had some heavy-duty cleaning to do on my parent’s computer as helpful “programs” with names like “home shopping assistent (sic)” and “startpage” and “kewl kasinoz” had heavily infected it. Abbie dutifully chased her epilepsy ball until I cleaned the computer to the point where it could both print documents and access non-gambling related webpages. Then Abbie decided it belonged under the couch and stuffed it under there. It may be under a couch right now for all I know because I can’t find it. Otherwise I’d post a picture of her with her ball. If only that thing would make some sort of noise…